On Saturday, running from my deadlines like a man needing a distraction, I went to Woodbridge, CT to do play-by-play and color commentary for CT roller derby. You may be asking me through telepathy why I would go that far out of my way to yell into a microphone. That's simple, Boston's own B Party and Massacre were playing against Connecticut's Yankee Brutals and Stepford Sabotage.
My wife, the un-defenestrate-able (making words) Dreadnought, was on the B Party. That entire team is amazing, I will tell you what. What do you get when you add the speed of Lil Paine and Killary Clinton to the blocking power of Xena Paradox, Dread, and the Pissahs pivoting line (Bomber and Squish)? I will tell you, 166 points to Connecticut's 38! That's not to say that the Yankee Brutals weren't giving it back as good as they got. For the inaugural bout of CT's B team, they have nothing to be ashamed of and will be real killers in the seasons to come.
I shared mike duties with Hitman Hank, Connecticut's announcer. I love that guy. He's got a real knowledge on how to promote sponsors, vendors, and other events without making himself into a walking commercial. He encouraged me to do play-by-play, which I was really happy to do. Calling action is great, especially if you actually know enough about the game that you can do more than talk about the jammers. Sure, they score the points, but it's the pivots and blockers that make that tough. That's where the fun is, no?
Interestingly enough, the DJ played some of the best music I've ever heard at roller derby. Though it was very rock n' roll heavy (we were in CT, we should have been thankful that it wasn't more Cookie Monster-vocaled hardcore about Gary Busey), it was stuff like Faith No More, the Cramps, and contemporary stuff that actually has some gonads. I liked it. Way better than sudden Bon Jovi (that's after-party drunk music, ladies...sorry).
Curiously, the music was turned down very low before the start of each jam, making the auditorium so quiet I put on a golf voice every once and a while. Every place does it differently, but it did make it awkward to announce every once and a while. If only I had belched or something, that would have broken the ice.
Oh, I don't want to forget the Massacre here. We've seen a real season where they've either been on their game like whoa, or fighting it out with super-amazing teams of death. Last night, we saw the gattling guns of glory bring 230 points of pain. The Stepford Sabotage, with star players like Pearl Jammer and Miz Consepjen fought hard, but only earned 14 points. Some of the biggest pops of the night were for solid grand slams from Maude Forbid, Claire D Way, and Krushpuppy. However, I had to keep myself from screaming with the rest of the crowd when Anna Wrecks'Ya took to the jammer line and rocked the eff out.
As far as the pack went, that was the most solid line of pantsless aggression I've seen in a long time. Shattered dominated, got in a good sweep o' payback in the second period, and Feevs played through a broken middle finger, which merely gives her an excuse to use the digit even more. There were great setups by LCD and Puss who were able to keep the CT jammers back while Maims knocked them out of the track like so much wrecking ball.
Sugar Daddy, by the way, rules. But not as much as Philzie, who once let me ride on the back of his bike on Landsdowne while I screamed like a meth-addled hooker. To this date, he laments that polygamy is not legal in our country. Too bad for you, Mister Zie.
It was a good night, which was topped off by late night dining at Rein's Deli with Three Day Bender, Dread, and merch maven Bryan.
Next week, I'm in Manchester, NH with the Reverend Al Mighty. Join us as we yell at you during RollerConsolation, the mega derby event of New England.
Your prom king,