Sunday, August 16, 2009

Brief update.

Yesterday was intense. In addition to running the security corps, I learned how to operate the auditorium's lighting system. I will post more later in the week as I am headed to provincetown.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Getting ready for tomorrow.

Tomorrow evening, the Cosmonaughties take on the Wicked Pissahs in the last bout of the season before the playoffs. It's been a tough season for the Cosmonaughties, who have been 0 and 3 this season, getting defeated by the Nutcrackers and the Wicked Pissahs in each of their home bouts. Our Sassy Soviet Space Scientists, however, have been steadily improving, making the point-spread of each successive game tighter with a combination of last minute blocking magic and the super speed of their jammers. For Cosmo fans, this game is all about payback -- if we win this one and the playoff, we're in the championship game.

For me, it means I get to once again don the smelly prosthetic face below...

That's right, it's Drago time. Many a derby widow(er) has been a roller derby mascot. In my time screaming and cheering for my wife, I've volunteered/been coerced to wear more than one mascot costume. In my time with Boston I've been:

Dragomir Pisimov, the drunken chimpanzee mascot of the Cosmonaughties. This is my favorite costume, mainly because it was initially something I wore to a roller derby costume party. Shooting apes into space was always funny to me, so I went as the only surviving chimpanzee from the Soviet's failed space chimp program. Pussy Venom asked me if I would be interested in wearing it again and a stupid NASA vs. CCCPjoke* was quickly adopted by the team as a mascot to accompany their robot, the Vulvatron 5000, on the sidelines.

A knight, I guess. This was for an all-star scrimmage in New Hampshire. The team was called "the Dastardly Dragons." Not wanting to find a Godzilla costume on short notice, I threw on plate mail and went as a black knight. Why not?

The other team, "Magic Unicorns," had a young raver dressed as a dog for their mascot, so I think my costume was better.

I've worn that lobster costume, a.k.a. Pinchy McMasshole, to support the Boston Massacre in New York City. It's made entirely of couch foam. Want to know what it's like to wear a couch? Imagine becoming a human soup. Now imagine that soup is being made in a couch where several other human soups have been brewed before. I will take the chimp mask any day. (PS - The Massacre are playing tomorrow, too. They're taking on Detroit and you will see someone else in that costume if you go.)

Being a mascot is good fun, even if you smell awful and are filthy from failing to take off the sweat-stained makeup that covers every part of your body that wasn't covered by a mask/flight suit/couch. It's also a means to jump around and cheer for the team without having to pay. That's pretty cool. The best part of dressing up like and acting the fool is that it's anonymous. On those occasions when you can clean up well enough, you can go the after party without anyone knowing you were the loud prick/cool guy who shouted next to them the whole time. You can also pull a Clark Kent and tell the head ref that the person in the chimp costume wants a "ride home" and will be waiting by said-referee's motorcycle.

"All for you, Philzie..."

Come and see the action! Go to for the details!

* HAM, the only chimp sent successfully to space, was an American project. An old Cold War rumor spoke of a Soviet program to send simians to space was scrapped when NASA beat them to it, and it was decided euthanasia was cheaper than being "second." Drago was supposed to be the only surviving chimp of said program.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

RollerConsolation 2009

What do you get when you get skaters from all over New England together in Manchester's JFK Coliseum who couldn't attend the Vegas throwdown which is RollerCon? You get RollerConsolation!

I arrived at the arena with veteran Nutcrackers Dreadnought and Malicen Thunderland. As we walked through the door, we could feel the heat of derby enthusiasm. That, and the night crippling humidity of a forty-year-old hockey arena in the summer. Check-in was simple, and the setup of the track, announcing booth, and vendor tables took no time at all. The ladies of NHRD are efficient, inviting, and the consummate hostesses.

My cohorts in the announcing circle were New Hampshire's Adam Furious and the immortal Reverend Al Mighty. The Rev is a flashy, charismatic showman whose love of this game is apparent. He's sort of the David Lee Roth of announcing without being a douche. Perhaps I'm man-crushing on him, but as Philzie has banned me from motorcycle rides forever, I have have no choice but to celebrate the Reverend Al. As for Adam Furious, he's a Rock 101 jack-of-all-trades and had a good presence on the mike, really engaged the crowd, and is picking up the game with a speed that's impressive. But it's not about us, it's about the ladies out there tearing up the track so much NASCAR.

RollerConsolation began with a bang. My brain's still swimming from the amount of plays, names, and hits that I will give you highlights...perfect for those with short attention spans.

  • After one of the best National Anthem performances I have ever heard, we introduced the first game, which took a page from the geek-fantasy show "Deadliest Warrior" by pitting Team Pirate vs. Team Ninja. The Pirates made a good run of it, but the stealthy jammers of the Ninjas, paired up with a wall of blockers in black, made short work of the buccaneers. (INSERT PUNS) In this case, despite some fantastic jams, the Ninjas won the bout with 50 points to the Pirates' 24.
  • The first half-time had Brockton's Dead Eye Records giving us the first hip hop event I've seen for Derby yet. The PA wasn't up to snuff on this one, and I think a lot of people missed out on hearing these really tight performers bring it from Brockton to New Hampshire.
  • Watching Killary Clinton face off against Mrs. Dash. These two Cosmonaughties were NO JOKE on the jamming line. It was speed vs. speed the whole way, and it was entertaining as hell to watch. Also, Melanie M. Falcon taking on the MakeOut Bandit? What!
  • The high impact blockers in the Death vs. Taxes match blew away. You cannot go wrong when you have Zoomz Byda Boomz, Etta Maims and Empress Explosiva on your line. Amazing plays with HeLLen Bed from CMRD and the ladies of Death kept Taxes from slaughtering them, but in the end, the score was Taxes 52 to Death 46.
  • Dreadnought of BDD nearly killed the referee Woody Yankabitch when she slid to the outside. He enjoys the abuse, however.
  • Getting to see Hit N' Run Pauline and Rhoda Perdition from Providence play against each other. In the last jam of Water vs. Fire, the two of them switched off going to the penalty box. In reality, I believe that they were collecting penalties just to check in with each other. Final Score: Fire 23 Water 55

Each of these mini-games brought the ladies of New England together, sharing their mutual love of the sport and each other. NHRD should continue to throw this event every year to remind New England what derby is all about: fun.

Until next time,

Pelvis Costello