Friday, August 14, 2009

Getting ready for tomorrow.

Tomorrow evening, the Cosmonaughties take on the Wicked Pissahs in the last bout of the season before the playoffs. It's been a tough season for the Cosmonaughties, who have been 0 and 3 this season, getting defeated by the Nutcrackers and the Wicked Pissahs in each of their home bouts. Our Sassy Soviet Space Scientists, however, have been steadily improving, making the point-spread of each successive game tighter with a combination of last minute blocking magic and the super speed of their jammers. For Cosmo fans, this game is all about payback -- if we win this one and the playoff, we're in the championship game.

For me, it means I get to once again don the smelly prosthetic face below...

That's right, it's Drago time. Many a derby widow(er) has been a roller derby mascot. In my time screaming and cheering for my wife, I've volunteered/been coerced to wear more than one mascot costume. In my time with Boston I've been:

Dragomir Pisimov, the drunken chimpanzee mascot of the Cosmonaughties. This is my favorite costume, mainly because it was initially something I wore to a roller derby costume party. Shooting apes into space was always funny to me, so I went as the only surviving chimpanzee from the Soviet's failed space chimp program. Pussy Venom asked me if I would be interested in wearing it again and a stupid NASA vs. CCCPjoke* was quickly adopted by the team as a mascot to accompany their robot, the Vulvatron 5000, on the sidelines.

A knight, I guess. This was for an all-star scrimmage in New Hampshire. The team was called "the Dastardly Dragons." Not wanting to find a Godzilla costume on short notice, I threw on plate mail and went as a black knight. Why not?

The other team, "Magic Unicorns," had a young raver dressed as a dog for their mascot, so I think my costume was better.

I've worn that lobster costume, a.k.a. Pinchy McMasshole, to support the Boston Massacre in New York City. It's made entirely of couch foam. Want to know what it's like to wear a couch? Imagine becoming a human soup. Now imagine that soup is being made in a couch where several other human soups have been brewed before. I will take the chimp mask any day. (PS - The Massacre are playing tomorrow, too. They're taking on Detroit and you will see someone else in that costume if you go.)

Being a mascot is good fun, even if you smell awful and are filthy from failing to take off the sweat-stained makeup that covers every part of your body that wasn't covered by a mask/flight suit/couch. It's also a means to jump around and cheer for the team without having to pay. That's pretty cool. The best part of dressing up like and acting the fool is that it's anonymous. On those occasions when you can clean up well enough, you can go the after party without anyone knowing you were the loud prick/cool guy who shouted next to them the whole time. You can also pull a Clark Kent and tell the head ref that the person in the chimp costume wants a "ride home" and will be waiting by said-referee's motorcycle.

"All for you, Philzie..."

Come and see the action! Go to for the details!

* HAM, the only chimp sent successfully to space, was an American project. An old Cold War rumor spoke of a Soviet program to send simians to space was scrapped when NASA beat them to it, and it was decided euthanasia was cheaper than being "second." Drago was supposed to be the only surviving chimp of said program.

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